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Issue date: 2/14/08 Section: Just on the Web

Stephanie Ogozaly

Let's face it: we all want to be cool. We want people to like us and think we're funny, fashionable, fantastic and loads of other F words. Do you remember your first lunch period on your first day of high school? Did you stand in the middle of the cafeteria with your tray held in your trembling hands as you examined the options (and scoped out the hotties)? I sure hope you picked the cool kid lunch table to sit at, because if not, it's likely that your high school experience was a bit hellish. That's tough (I should know, because I was definitely not sitting with the cool kids). Thankfully we've all graduated and moved on, no longer ruled by the "cool kid table" ideal. Er... wait. We kind of still are though, aren't we? There's probably even a cool kid table in the dining hall.

So, what to do? At this stage in the game it's too difficult to try to sit at the cool kid table, as they've spent most of the semester fine-tuning their coolness and doing away with any dweebs or spazzes who might want to pull up a chair. I guess all hope is lost and you have to sit by yourself and weep into your chicken patty, right?

Wrong.

Luckily for you, there is a way to be cool. The coolest of the cool, in fact. You could become one of those people who is a mystery wrapped in an enigma, defined only by the indefinable trait of being "Ultra Cool." Sounds like a pretty sweet gig, right? And all you need to do is become a hipster.

"But, oh no," you cry, "I don't know a thing about being a hipster!"

Don't fret, my friend, because I'm here for you. I've got ten tips on becoming a hipster for you and they're easy as pie. Pie that is made from organic fruits that were picked by free-trade workers and that is bought at a local co-op, naturally.

The List: How to become a hipster.

Start a vinyl collection: It's not actually necessary to have a record player, but I'll get to that in a minute. First, you're going to want to start a nice collection of vintage vinyl - the rarer the better. The Japanese thrash band Slight Slappers released a two-inch vinyl that is not physically playable on any machine known to man and you're going to want to purchase that, just because it's a cool brag. It is your Trump card for when another hipster says that he owns a first pressing Velvet Underground LP that Andy Warhol threw up on. You want to supplement your vintage collection with some newer vinyl releases, but you should strive for buying obscure, colored vinyl, because the fact that it's blue will really make the difference. You don't have to worry about whether or not the vinyls you buy have any scratches on them, because being a hipster isn't about listening to the music, not really. It's about being able to one-up a rival hipster so that later, when you meet with your hipster friends over coffee and clove cigarettes, you can tell them about your victory. So don't worry about buying a pricey record player.

Carry obscure books: Unless you're going for one of a hipster's favorite things (Irony!), you're not going to want to carry around a "Harry Potter" book. Instead, you're going to want to find an unusual book that no one's ever heard of and carry it around with you. If you want to go another route, you can pick up a classic like "Moby Dick" (because by now "1984" is played out). As with not listening to music, it's not important to actually read the book. All the hipster cred comes from simply having it with you. For extra credit and the opportunity for another cool brag, you might want to skim the book and choose a "meaningful" passage to talk about. Extra extra points if you can somehow make a simple sentence like "What happened?" into something metaphysical.

Be ironic: You're going to want everything you do to be ironic in some way. You should say you watch Hannah Montana on the Disney Channel because it's ironic for you to do so, not because you have the taste of an 11-year-old girl (or you're a pervert). You don't buy cheap beer because it's all you can afford, but it's ironic. Make sure everything you say is dripping with irony and sarcasm. Don't say, "That's a bad idea." Say something like, "Yeah, that's a great idea. Like, I really cannot wait to do that, right? Such a good idea. Brilliant. Fantastic." Just make sure you bash people over the head with how incredibly witty and sarcastic you are.

Increase your vocabulary: You're a nihilist with a penchant for superfluous exposition that believes in postmodern existentialism. It doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense or you don't know what you just said - the important thing is that you said it. I would suggest looking up a big word or two, lest you be caught unawares by an English major.

Become a communist: Being a socialist works too. The important thing is that you're not a cog in that damned American democracy machine! You're an INDIVIDUAL!

Stop supporting "The Man": Don't go to Starbucks. Don't go see major motion pictures. Don't read bestsellers. You're all about mom and pop businesses now, because capitalism really makes your blood boil. You're going to want to see student films - the type where a woman in clown make-up is making cookies and a lumberjack uses a sledgehammer to smash a tea kettle - and you're going to want to tell everyone that you "totally get it." If a non-hipster could ever possibly enjoy it, then it sucks. Anything popular is bad, remember that.

Get a new wardrobe: You can never have enough 1980s little league T-shirts from the thrift store!

Care about the environment: Not by recycling or anything else really productive, don't wory - this type of activism won't cut into your sitting around time. It's only necessary that you watch the episodes of "Futurama" that Al Gore has been in. On the flip side, your other option is to hate the environment for irony's sake. If you go this route, explain your position to people by saying, "Who cares if we're killing the Earth? The human race is so postmodern, anyway."

Go vegetarian/vegan: In public. When you're home, go ahead and eat a cheeseburger while you wear a leather jacket. As long as nobody knows, you're fine.

Become skilled at namedropping: Ow, my toe! You just dropped Jack Kerouac's name on it! Leonard Cohen. Allen Ginsberg. Hunter S. Thompson. Lou Reed. Ian Curtis. Edie Sedgwick. Elvis Costello. Charles Bukowski. Tom Waits. I could go on and on - and so should you! It doesn't matter if you don't know who some of the people you talk about are. The only important thing is mentioning them casually in conversation without being too committal about it. Just say something like, "Yeah, I've been into Leonard Cohen for a while." If the person you're talking to doesn't know who it is, scoff and say that they "wouldn't get it." Be careful when communicating with other namedropping hipsters - they may have done research.

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